Pattakha Khan’s Revelations
Short Fiction | Satire
“ Through absurd encounters, shifting landscapes, and surreal political imagery, Pattakha Khan’s voice moves between satire and revelation. The narrative imagines a world where truth becomes both burden and spectacle, exposing the uneasy distance between power, morality, and public life. ”
My name is Pattakha Khan. Though I have nothing to do with bomb blasts or suicide bombings, I am called Pattakha Khan by my friends and foes alike.
The fact of the matter is that they believe whatever I say is exaggeration. My claim, however, is that whatever I say is nothing but the truth. I do not care what people say about me; I will go on speaking the truth. What matters most is that I see the world from a different angle, because I possess angelic sparks, and because I speak nothing but the truth.
Last Sunday, I went to the Sunday bazaar to buy groceries and provisions. There, I met Newton, who was buying apples. I went near him and said, “Hello, my friend Newton, how are you?” At first he did not recognise me, but after a long scientific stare he called out, “Pattakha Khan, how are you?” After hugging him tightly, I asked him the reason for buying apples in bulk.
“I’m buying apples in bulk not because they are cheaper, but because I have to verify many things while using them.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, astonished.
“I want to know whether the earth still has the same gravitational force, because back then I gave my judgment on the fall of just a single apple.”
“What about that apple?”
Shifting his heavy shopping bag into his right hand, he uttered, “Half of the apple has been eaten by worms, and only the remaining half is in my kitchen.”
Once, I had the chance to address a session of the United Nations General Assembly. Leaders from across the world were invited. The Secretary-General of the United Nations called me and said, “Mr. Pattakha Khan, I do not trust the leaders of your country because they always lie, but I trust you and even believe that whatever you speak is nothing but the truth. I want you to come and address the General Assembly.”
The day came, and in my address, I criticized powerful nations and their allies. Some leaders turned red with anger. When the session concluded, two influential leaders came near me, shook hands with me, and invited me to dinner at a nearby restaurant the next day.
The following day, I reached the restaurant an hour late. Both leaders warmly welcomed me. Inside the restaurant, there was pin-drop silence, and the surrounding tables were empty. One of the leaders broke the silence by saying, “Mr. Pattakha Khan, you had better stop telling the truth. It might cost you your life.”
That revelation made me feel like a timid kiwi bird. My heart pounded, and I stammered, “Wwwwwwhat... do you mmmmmmean?”
“I mean, are you with us or with our enemies?” he asked, craning his neck.
Sensing my destiny like that of many troubled rulers across the world, I prayed to God to turn me into a suicide bomber, as I speak nothing but the truth. God answered my prayer. I blew myself up along with both leaders. After some time, all the fragments of my body joined together again, and I came back to life.
It is said that truth is like a bitter pill and very difficult to swallow. Anybody who listens to my revelations has to swallow that bitter pill because I speak nothing but the truth. Everybody talks about heaven and wants to have it without dying, but I love to visit hell without dying, and I recently visited it.
A real hell has no electricity, but those who live there manage everything. There were no roads, yet the sinners and damned people owned luxury vehicles. There was no law, yet they were purchasing justice of their choice. Interestingly, all the people were happy, though they had lost the meaning of happiness.
There I met an old man who had watched hell mushroom before his very eyes.
“It was not hell when I came here, but the vultures and vampires of my motherland have made it so.”
I could not comprehend his reply, so I escaped from hell, because I am Pattakha Khan, and I speak nothing but the truth. My place is heaven, not hell.
As I belong to the disappearing middle class of my country, I can only afford to buy a bike on installments. A month ago, I bought my Dhoom bike and wanted to test its ride. On my first ride, I accidentally reached Mars. Since men, it is said, are from Mars, I found only men there—and the most important of them was a famous property tycoon, surrounded by heavy machinery and a crowd of engineers.
As happy as a prince, I waddled towards him and uttered, “Is there any housing scheme on Mars?”
“People in your country believe that they can expel me and that I will spend the rest of my life in exile. They are mistaken. They think that my chapter is closed, but look here — on Mars, I am launching this new project for my beloved countrymen, who can pay me not in rupees or dollars, but in gold,” he happily replied and led me to a mountain.
“This is the place where I am building a dreamland for my countrymen. On Mars, life will be free from all worldly worries. No tension, no strikes, no target killings, no load-shedding, no courts, and no commissions.”
I looked at him, open-mouthed, and troubled him with another question. “Sir, has anyone booked a plot here?”
“Alhamdulillah, like our other projects, this project is also successful. Eighty percent of the plots have already been booked, and the way things are happening in our country, I am sure that by next month all the plots will be sold,” he replied proudly.
He wanted to leave and instruct his engineers, but I stopped him with another question. “Sir, who are those lucky people who have booked their plots here?”
Giving me a smile, he said, “Former rulers, retired officials, wealthy businessmen, diplomats, and many others who know how uncertain life on Earth has become.”
I am Pattakha Khan, and I speak nothing but the truth. My revelations might make you mad, but it is not my fault — it is the power of truth. I was born to enlighten you with my revelations so that you can see the world through my eyes, and I always show the world as it truly is. Let me remind you once again that I am Pattakha Khan, and I speak nothing but the truth.
Short Fiction | Satire
Political satire and the tall-tale tradition
Editorial Note
References and further study
Lucian of Samosata. “A True Story.” In Lucian, vol. 1, translated by A. M. Harmon. Loeb Classical Library. London: Heinemann, 1913.
Raspe, Rudolf Erich. Baron Munchausen’s Narrative of His Marvellous Travels and Campaigns in Russia. London: Smith, 1785.
Swift, Jonathan. Gulliver’s Travels. London: Benjamin Motte, 1726.
Swift, Jonathan. A Modest Proposal. Dublin: S. Harding, 1729.
Griffin, Dustin. Satire: A Critical Reintroduction. Lexington: University Press of Kentucky, 1994.
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